If I shared with you the number one reason you might be rejected or why you reject others, would you be open to listening and making some slight changes?
When I first met Ellen, it was hard to believe that this intelligent, attractive, vibrant young woman had such “bad luck,” as she’d put it. At 38, Ellen had spent 8 long years navigating the dating scene. Her journey was filled with short-lived connections that never blossomed into meaningful relationships.
For 8 years, each date ended the same way: with Ellen feeling more confused and disheartened than before. After a few months of working together, and thanks to the honest feedback from her dates, I cracked the code. When I shared the brutal truth with Ellen, she broke down in tears as the reality dawned on her.
She was unknowingly sabotaging her chances of finding true love by turning her preferences into red flags and dealbreakers, effectively rejecting every eligible match.
Understanding Ellen’s Dating Struggles
Ellen was hyper-aware of every tiny imperfection, making her overly critical and intolerant of differences. She scrutinized every aspect of her dates, from their choice of words to their eating habits. Minor quirks were blown out of proportion and treated as dealbreakers.
It wasn’t that Ellen had overly strict criteria; rather, she was hypersensitive to small issues and couldn’t see past them to appreciate the bigger picture. Her inability to distinguish between a red flag, a dealbreaker, and a simple preference was at the root of her dating woes.
Red Flag, Dealbreaker, or Preference? Here’s How to Tell the Difference
Do you know the difference between a red flag and a dealbreaker? Before you end a perfectly good connection over a small red flag or a minor dating ick, it’s important to understand what truly breaks a relationship.
Early Warning Red Flags
Red flags signal areas that might need work but aren’t necessarily relationship-ending. Addressing these early on can prevent bigger issues down the line.
- Treating Waitstaff Poorly: If your date is rude, demanding, or dismissive to waitstaff, it’s a significant red flag that they may treat you poorly in the future. Research from Psychology Today confirms that how someone treats service staff can be indicative of their overall character and empathy levels.
- Jealousy: Overly jealous behavior often indicates deeper insecurities and can lead to controlling and manipulative actions. It’s a red flag worth addressing early on.
- Talking Badly About Others: How your date speaks about others can be a solid indicator of their character and how they might speak about you when you’re not around.
- Inconsistent Communication: Sporadic or inconsistent communication is a sign of emotional unavailability or low interest. According to a study by The Kinsey Institute, inconsistent communication is often linked to emotional unavailability and can signal potential relationship challenges.
- History of Infidelity: Trust is crucial; if your date has a history of cheating, it’s a major red flag that should not be ignored.
Dealbreakers
Dealbreakers are serious issues that make a relationship unsustainable. These are non-negotiables that suggest incompatibility from the start.
- Doesn’t Like Dogs (and You Have 2): If you’re an animal lover, this fundamental difference can create constant friction.
- Never Wants Children: A significant difference in life goals that can lead to long-term dissatisfaction and resentment.
- Financial Irresponsibility: Ongoing stress and conflict from mismanaging money or significant debt are common dealbreakers in relationships.
- Different Religious or Cultural Beliefs: Major differences in core beliefs can create significant challenges. According to The Atlantic, couples with significant religious or cultural differences often face higher levels of conflict and lower relationship satisfaction.
- Incompatible Sexual Preferences: Fundamental differences in intimacy can lead to dissatisfaction and tension.
Preferences: Red Flag, Dealbreaker, or Just a Quirk?
It’s essential to differentiate between preferences and dealbreakers. Ask yourself if a red flag is a petty ick or something that will stand in the way of long-term contentment.
Preferences are personal likes and dislikes that should be considered but not overemphasized. They are often superficial and do not impact the core compatibility between partners.
- Hair Color: You might prefer blonde hair, but the color isn’t critical for relationship success.
- Living in a Nearby Suburb: Proximity is convenient, but not a dealbreaker.
- Shared Hobbies: Having a love for cars or similar interests can be great but isn’t essential for a relationship.
- Favorite Food: Different food preferences can make dining interesting and fun, rather than being a source of conflict.
- Different Upbringing: Diverse backgrounds can enrich your relationship with new perspectives and experiences.
Once Ellen learned to differentiate between red flags, dealbreakers, and preferences, her dating life transformed. She began to see beyond the minor quirks and focused on the essential traits that matter for a long-term relationship. She discovered that many of her previous “dealbreakers” were just preferences that didn’t impact core compatibility. This shift in perspective allowed her to form deeper connections and ultimately led to a fulfilling relationship.
Are You Turning Preferences into Dealbreakers?
Have you ever been guilty of turning preferences into dealbreakers? Remember, the key to a successful relationship is understanding what truly matters and what doesn’t. Don’t let minor quirks cloud your judgment and keep you from finding the one.
Has this ever happened to you? What is your biggest dealbreaker? Share your thoughts in the comments!
Until next week, keep your mind open and enjoy your weekend.
Love,
Louanne
