Have you ever wondered why some relationships leave you feeling like you’ve done all the hard work, only to see your ex move on and commit to the next person they meet?
It’s a frustrating and painful experience that many can relate to.
You pour your heart and soul into the relationship, you believe there is real potential for a future, you help them through their rough patches, support their goals and ambitions, you are patient and may even put your needs second…
And all of a sudden, they end the relationship just when everything seems to be on track… and then move on to someone else, seemingly ready for the commitment they couldn’t give you.
This is exactly the situation Tracey found herself in. At 38, she had three serious relationships over the past decade, each lasting 2-3 years.
Despite their different personalities, these men had one perplexing thing in common – they all committed to the next partner after their relationship with her ended.
Tracey was the perfect girlfriend: drama-free, understanding, easygoing, forgiving, and loyal. She simply wanted a committed relationship with the possibility of building a life and family, but after her last breakup, those dreams felt like they were slipping away.
“The final blow came when her ex, Todd, who claimed he didn’t want kids, moved on with the next girl and seven months later, she was pregnant. Tracey felt used, neglected, and confused.
Why did she keep attracting these types of men?
This is the essence of the FOSTER GIRLFRIEND/BOYFRIEND SYNDROME: being the partner who helps someone grow, only for them to commit to someone else.
Why does it hurt so much?
Being a foster girlfriend or boyfriend feels like being a stepping stone.
You put in all the effort, love, and support, but don’t get the commitment and future you desire. It’s emotionally draining and can severely impact your self-esteem and self-worth.
The thing is, the signs were always there. You just didn’t see them.
Before you invest further, here are some common lines that tell you you are playing the role of a foster partner.
- They say things like, “I’m not sure how I feel.” This often means they are not certain about you.
- “I don’t know if I’m ready for a commitment.” They are wrestling with the idea of commitment, indicating they’re not ready to commit to you.
- “I’m not the marrying kind.” If they were, it wouldn’t be with you.
- “I don’t want my kids growing up in a split family.” They don’t believe in the longevity of your relationship.
- “I don’t want to bring a child into this world.” They don’t see a future with you.
Tracey ignored these signs, believing she could prove her worth and eventually get the love she deserved. But she wasn’t loving herself enough to set boundaries and demand better treatment.
To break the pattern, consider these steps:
- Self-Reflection: Analyze your past relationships. Identify common red flags and patterns.
- Work on Self-Esteem: Build your self-worth. When you value yourself, you’ll attract partners who value you.
- Set Boundaries: Don’t ignore early warning signs. Be firm about your needs and boundaries.
- Potential versus reality: Believe what they say, don’t fall for potential.
- Don’t put your relationship goals on hold. If they aren’t on the same page, don’t try to change their mind. You have all the information you need.
