Sharing your sexual desires and/or kinks with your partner… Have you or haven’t you? From working in Human Behaviour as a professional Dating and Relationship Coach and Matchmaker for over 25 years, the information I provide is from a vast history and knowledge from a variety of different topics and this blog will be no different. Sexual desires and kinks are a big aspect of a relationship but sometimes opening up about what you really crave may be a bit uncomfortable.
First things first; sexual repression is a relationship wrecker, however there are numerous reasons as to why someone may not be comfortable in sharing this side of them to their partner. Sexual appetites may change over a period of time, and we should be able to explore these changes when they occur. Quite often, those who have been in a relationship for a significant amount of time, may feel awkward discussing these changes with their partner. So what are some of the as to why people may feel uncomfortable about disclosing their sexual desires and kinks to their partner?
REASON 1: THE FEAR OF BEING JUDGED AND REJECTED
This will definitely repress your feelings which makes it more unlikely to open up and share your feelings with your partner.
REASON 2: GUILT AND SHAME
These emotions are often attached to these desires as often we are told they’re bad or wrong in having these thoughts. This could be due to a religious upbringing but even if it isn’t, the guilt and shame experienced will always prevent sharing.
REASON 3: YOU DON’T FULLY UNDERSTAND YOUR OWN SEXUALITY
What you may have liked once upon a time, may not be what you like any more. As mentioned previously, sexual appetites often change over time, so not fully understanding your own sexuality may prevent you from sharing this aspect of your life.
REASON 4: YOU JUST DON’T KNOW HOW TO BRING UP THE SUBJECT!
How would you actually bring up the conversation? Sometimes it’s a bit harder than just saying “Hey, let’s talk about our sexual desires!” – it can feel quite awkward for some people to even figure out how to start the discussion.
WHAT ARE THE RAMIFICATIONS BY NOT HAVING THE CONVERSATION?
It can truly have some grave effects on relationships and I will break it down even further for you. Let’s say you have a craving for wine and cheese. You really REALLY want to have some wine and cheese but your partner is only aware you like ice-cream and chocolate, so as a result, they keep bringing you ice-cream and chocolate. You really love ice-cream and chocolate but it’s not hitting the spot for you. You need wine and cheese. See where I’m going with this?
When this happens, your desires are not being met but your partner is still doing the right thing by you and under the impression they are fulfilling your desires, however your ‘cravings’ have changed and when they’re not met, do they stop? No, they don’t. They continue to get bigger and bigger, like the elephant in the room and whenever you repress something you truly desire, you go out and seek it eventually by sub-consciously creating situations for yourself.
Whether you act out on these cravings, it becomes infidelity which was discussed in last week’s blog, but if you don’t, these feelings still don’t go away.
SO, WHAT CAN YOU DO?
To put it simply, you bite the bullet and share your desires with your partner. Have the conversation. What do you have to lose? If you don’t share them, your desires will never be met in the relationship you’re currently in, however if you DO share them, of course there is a chance they still might not be met, but you have significantly increased your chances in finally having your cravings fulfilled or at least reaching a happy medium.
Depending on whether you and your partner act out your cravings, sometimes it’s even just discussing them which can bring a different dynamic into the bedroom. You have to understand when you are making love to your partner and exploring each other sexually, you are staying connected and intimate with each other. The relationship becomes more fulfilling so remember there is a lot more to gain by just opening your mouth and saying what it truly is you desire. You never know, you may find out your partner also secretly craves wine and cheese!
Whatever you may need to do to have the conversation, whether it be some Dutch courage or a funny sex game or even a sex quiz to initiate the conversation, whatever it takes, open up the conversation because it’ll always be better said than unsaid which will also develop a deeper connection.
If by chance your partner does not accept your desires, you still would have been your true and authentic self by not denying or repressing anything and by doing so, will develop a happier and healthier emotional and physical connection with the most important person … Yourself!
If you are still struggling with having the conversation, I can certainly assist you in opening up and communicating with your partner. Connect with me on Facebook; send me a Direct Message or enquire through my website (www.louannewardmatchmaking.com.au) – my new website is also launching soon called Emotive Health regarding my Coaching Sessions, so please stay tuned!
Thank you for helping me spread the love!
Until next week.