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Why Coffee Dates Don’t Work

Advice, Articles, Uncategorized November 16, 2015

How did “let’s have a coffee” become code for “let’s have a date”?

Who decided that this was the perfect way to get to know each other? (Clearly someone who hadn’t had their morning coffee yet).

Having a coffee date as your first date is quite possibly the worst thing you could do. Not only is a café one of the noisiest choices of venues, they are crowded, full of activity, and uptight people waiting to get their caffeine fix. That brew does not make for a fun first date.

Most people generally consume their coffees in the first half of the day. Which leaves you and your future love prospect, scheduling a morning first date? (I don’t think so). Making a true connection is almost impossible if your date is just coffee.

For arguments sake, let’s say you organise an afternoon coffee instead. How long does a coffee take to order and drink, 20 minutes? 30 minutes max. So what happens after that? Do you sit there awkwardly playing with the sugar bowl? Or do you order another coffee and risk not sleeping for the next 24 hours?

What if the dates going well, and you can’t fathom a back-to-back coffee?

Do you get up and try and find another venue, risking the mood change and loss of momentum? Or should you end the date prematurely, before it’s even had a chance to get off the ground? Say the waitperson comes over and asks, “Would you like another coffee?” To which you both politely decline. Then your “would be perfect match” says, “Oh, okay, I guess we should be going now.” And just like that, the date is over – because no one stays in a café till close.

The first date should last 2 to 3 hours, in order to get a proper assessment of each other. A coffee date is much like a speed date with one person. And they don’t work, I know. I used to run them. Don’t get off to a false start, which begins and ends with just coffee.

A first date should really be treated as an intro.

The second date is really the first date – but in order to get to the second date, you’ve got to pick a venue you can be in for at least an hour, and up to 4 hours.

Coffee dates are more like a job interview than a date. You sit across from each other with a table between you, and you fire questions off to each other one by one, in a very small amount of time – all without the comforting buffer of small talk. They’re not carefree; the conversation doesn’t flow naturally like it would in a more relaxed environment; in a more extended timeframe.

Coffee dates are really a bit of a cop out when you think about it, it’s just coffee after all. It’s all very non-committal. You’re basically saying I have no confidence that this date is going to be anything more than just coffee, so I’m only going to give you an hour of my time. Oh, and I’ll have a nice easy getaway. You know it, your date knows it, and you’re putting yourself in an awkward position from the get go.

Women also take an hour to get ready on average. So if you do the complicated dating math, that’s one hour of preparation for only 20 minutes of coffee pleasure. And if you add travel time to the equation, most women will be over it before they even get there.

If you’re trying to catch up with a friend or have a business meeting, have a coffee, but don’t do it on a date. I’m not saying don’t drink the beverage – you can still order a coffee on a date. Just don’t revolve the whole date around it.

iStock_000042707812_Large-300x200As matchmakers, we would never recommend a coffee date.

In fact, we’ve made it our policy that our members never invite their potential matches for just coffee; because the success rate of getting a second date, when you’ve gone for coffee on your first, is greatly reduced.

It’s much easier to get a second date when you’ve established a connection, but it’s very difficult to establish a real connection with someone when there’s a table separating you. Attraction is dependent on body language, and this is almost impossible to achieve when it’s hidden behind a table; you miss all the signals.

So come out from behind that table, spend time with someone in a more relaxed environment, and you’ll give yourself a much better chance of getting that second date. And when you’re meeting a stranger, the second date is crucial. It’s when you really start to see if there’s a basis for a long-term relationship.

So wave goodbye to coffee dating, and hello to your future partner, at the door to the right venue.

Coffee dates may not work, but professional matchmaking does. Perth Millionaire Matchmaker is Perth’s very own professional matchmaking service, well known for successfully matching up Perth’s elite singles. Contact us today, and let us help you find love.