It’s sad but true, one of the highest break up times of the year is around the festive season. What can you do to get through this difficult time? Here are my top 10 tips to help you through this period and empower and control your life and emotions.
1. Accept the relationship is over and sever ties.
I’m not saying this has to be forever, down the track you can see if there is room for a friendship but for the time being ask your ex to respect your wishes and not have contact with you during this time. If children are involved decide what is best for them and you and negotiate an arrangement with your ex. Stick to the arrangement and don’t get weighed down with emotional manipulation. Remaining friends at this time of year prolongs your healing, you don’t need the additional emotional torture of trying to exchange gifts, beg for another chance, attempt another failed reconciliation or worse, having to continue to reject someone.
2. Don’t try to avoid celebrations and hide away.
You may not feel like continuing the past tradition or throwing parties which is fine but trying to avoid pain only causes more pain. Instead create new traditions and select the company you keep wisely. You don’t need constant reminders of the past so get creative and think of new ways of doing things.
3. Ask for help when you need it.
Talk to your friends but don’t be a negative and bring everyone else down around you. Just because you are suffering doesn’t mean you have to be a Grinch! Instead of being in a state of self pity let your friends and family know you are at a loose end and feeling lonely and ask for their suggestions. This creates a fair exchange as you aren’t continuously focused on you, you are empowering your friends and family to guide you, which is creating stronger bonds. You don’t have to like or take their advice but the fact they’re willing to give it shows you are cared for and loved. By the same token Don’t feel obligated to talk about it all the time and answer questions of well meaning friends and family if you’re not feeling up to sharing.
4. Count your blessings by weighing up the benefits to being single this Christmas.
An instant mood changer which is fail proof, is to write the benefits of being on your own this Christmas. When I say all the benefits I mean all the benefits. Even though you might struggle at first to find the positive in a negative when you see the whole picture it becomes clearer. Ask yourself “what are the benefits to being on my own this year?”
Use the example below to help expand your thinking.
1) I don’t have to try and stress about finding the perfect gift for my partner.
2) I don’t have to argue about who is going to drive.
3) I don’t have to deal with my exe’s sister and her naughty children.
4) I Can choose where I want to go.
5) I don’t have to rush around trying to please everybody…… These are just examples designed to get your mind thinking. Now get a pen and notepad, a white board marker and write on your windows, fridge or mirror no matter your choice of where to write just start. See if you can get to 50.
5. Relax, get grounded and think about Christmas and the spirit of giving.
Forget for a moment all the commercial hype and superficial BS. What does it really mean? Fulfilment comes in giving, not in false expectations and not in taking. Nothing fills your emotional bucket faster or heal your heart quicker than learning the art of giving without expecting anything in return. Give to others, think of ways you can help people who really need it. There are so many people who are doing it tougher than you right now. Think homeless shelters, soup kitchens, women’s refuges. There are many kind acts and ways of giving, maybe you can take your dog and visit an aged care facility, or lend a hand to a family with a sick child. Jump online and google volunteering and find out what and where you can help. Be hands-on, don’t just send a donation it’s not the same. Get out, give love and give the most precious gift you can give your time!
6. Be grateful for where you are right now and take care of your personal wellness.
Things may not be as you wished and hoped for but all the negative self talk and wishing things were different isn’t going to change the present reality. Redirect your attention to focus on what you have in your life right now. Let go of what you cannot control and concentrate on looking after yourself. Positive self care practices like exercise, eating well, meditation, reading, enjoying the sunshine, getting outdoors and making new habits in the direction of your longer term goals will help you feel better today, tomorrow and moving forward into the new year.
7. Don’t focus on the past.
Looking backwards through the rearview mirror, the vision is small and distorted. Trying to predict what’s around the corner and fantasise about how things could’ve or should’ve been, is a false expectation. Concentrate on living each moment and ask yourself; ‘what do I need to do, right now?’ You can’t do anything to change the past or recreate memories, but you can choose the fork in the road and what road to take; either the new, uncharted road or the same road you’ve been travelling which didn’t take you where you wanted to be.
8. Get a life – lead by you!
Let go! Accept the reality of your present – but not permanent – situation. Now is a time to create new traditions! Don’t encourage yourself to focus on all the shitty things you perceived you once had and try to do the opposite either. Try and go back to your youth and ask your inner child how they would want to celebrate Christmas with no right or wrong judgement. Rewrite your own traditions, take what past you most value and find a way to include that into your new traditions.
9. Remember everything happens for you.
There is no easy time to break up and even though it has happened to you it has also happened for you.
10 benefits of heartbreak
Heartbreak is a time for growth and transformation which are essential for life fulfilment. Understand the key benefits and 7 steps to healing.
1. It builds your resilience
Working through pain requires survival instincts, knowing you are working towards the goal of bouncing back shows you are strong.
2. The most likely time you will seek out professional help
Being vulnerable and looking for solutions to overcome the pain is the most likely time you’ll look outside of yourself for deeper answers. A psychologist, councillor or professional relationship coach can help you deal with the trauma and get ready for love.
3. Gives you hope
Awareness of the negative aspects of the relationship causes you to reflect, dissect and run over in your mind what wrong so you can learn the lesson and move on to better days.
4. Improves other relationships
Makes you aware of your inner weaknesses and how important it is to be accepted within our social groups.
5. Increases your Self-confidence
Whenever you achieve a goal or survive a hardship, it raises self-esteem. The more self-esteem you have the more confidence you become in your ability to push through the pain.
6. Makes you wise
You can learn and be taught most skills but nothing beats experience. Wisdom is found on the battlefields, not in the books.
7. Boosts your EQ (emotional intelligence)
When you have experienced darkness and despair knowing what you went through it awakens your compassion and empathy for others. Empathy is a key component of emotional intelligence and vital for maintaining successful relationships.
8. Leads to successful outcomes
While you are going through heartbreak you tend to put energy and focus into other goals and new pursuits rather than into the relationship.
9. Protects you from unrewarding relationships
Heartbreak drives you away from people who aren’t supposed to be in your life, and who are no longer serving your best interests. Being set free from someone who doesn’t see your value redirects your path to connecting with someone who does see your value.
10. Teaches you what is important
Whatever led you to experience the feeling of a broken heart teaches you how you feel about relationships and how important they are in your life. It helps you greater understand the aspects of a partner which are truly important.
WISHING YOU LOVE, ALWAYS,
Louanne Ward x
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