Have you ever dated or know someone who has invested time, emotions, and energy into a relationship, only to watch the now ex walk down the aisle with their next partner.
This is what we call the “surrogate” girlfriend or boyfriend syndrome.
It can feel like you’ve trained them, put in the hard yards, gone through all the ups and downs, but someone else gets the benefits you were hoping for.
This is what happened to 34 year old Tracey, who had 3 serious boyfriends over the past decade each spanning 2-3 years, and although her partners were quite different in personality, they had one perplexing thing in common…
They all committed to the VERY next partner after their relationship ended.
Despite Tracey being the perfect girlfriend – drama-free, understanding, easygoing, forgiving, and loyal she just couldn’t get a guy to commit fully into the relationship.
She didn’t feel her dream was much to ask she simply wanted: marriage and a family. But after her last breakup, it felt like those dreams were slipping through her fingers.
Then she discovered it happened again but this time it was worse… her ex, Todd, was living with a girl who was four months pregnant, the guy who said he didn’t want to bring kids into this world…
…it was the final blow. She felt used, neglected, and, frankly, confused about why she kept attracting these types of men.
But why do we attract the same type repeatedly?
It is called your default reset, and when something happens more than twice, you now have a pattern. You are the only one who can break a pattern, but first, you have to recognise it.
Working with Tracey, she realised her pattern was investing in relationships with men who gave her all the warning signs, but she didn’t listen.
Now, let’s talk about the early warning signs that you might be caught in this cycle.
Watch out for these red flag lines and don’t invest more than a discovery period than necessary.
1. “I’m not sure how I feel”
When you hear this, what it means is I am not certain about YOU.
2. “I don’t know if I am ready for a commitment”
Well, they just spelled it out for you. If they’re still wrestling with the idea of commitment, it’s a clear sign they don’t want to commit to you.
3. “I’m not the marrying kind”
And if I was, I wouldn’t be marrying you. They have just told you that you are the kind they would marry.
4. “I don’t want my kids growing in a split family”
What they are telling you is that they haven’t worked on their past and they don’t have the confidence that your relationship will last.
5. “I don’t want to bring a child into this world”
If you don’t have a similar life plan you are planning to fail. If you stay hoping to change their mind you’ll end up with another other than a broken heart. in addition. I don’t want to bring a child into this world with you!
If you are hearing these lines, take them as the truth and get out.
The problem with Tracey is she ignored the red flags, she believed that if she just proved how great she was, they would finally love her, and she would get her happy ending. The truth is she wasn’t loving herself, so how was anyone else supposed to love her?
Low self-esteem and low self-worth are the most common ailments that trigger people to repeat in patterns because deep down you don’t believe you’re worthy. Your conscious mind might tell you that you are, but your subconscious knows otherwise, and ultimately, we attract from the subconscious.
So, how can you break the pattern?
Here are five ways:
1. Self-Reflection
Take a step back and analyse your past relationships. Identify the commonalities and red flags. Self-awareness is the first step to change.
2. Work on Self-Esteem
Build your self-esteem and self-worth. When you believe in your own value, you’ll attract partners who appreciate you for who you are.
3. Set Boundaries
Don’t ignore the early warning signs. Be firm in setting your boundaries and communicating your needs.
4. Take a Break
If you recognise the pattern, it might be time to take a break from dating to work on yourself and your confidence.
5. Seek Professional Help
Don’t be afraid to seek the guidance of a therapist or counsellor. They can provide insights and strategies to help break the cycle.
Remember, breaking patterns takes time and effort, but it’s entirely possible. The right partner is out there, waiting to appreciate your worth.
